Without him life would be much grimmer
by HollyHop
Summary: When Rimmer tries to hack into the main computer frame on the rebuilt Red Dwarf, to erase his disciplinary remarks and prison record from his personnel file, he stumbles across something completely different. And yes, again it's Rimmer/Lister, sue me.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, the story is set somewhere within the last couple of episodes of series 8, after their release from prison. Rimmer and Lister are back to sharing a room. Again, let's assume that together with Red Dwarf, all files in Holly's databank have been restored as well. And no, I am not completely obsessed with "Blue".

I lie, I am obsessed.

Disclaimer: The boys belong to Rob and Doug. I make no money out if this. I just enjoy messing about with them.

Without him life would be much grimmer

"Holly?" Rimmer was sitting at the computer in their quarters, trying to get hold of any personal files or captain's comments about himself and erase them. So far he'd achieved nothing, since all log entries and personal profiles were security coded and could only be accessed by the officers or the captain himself.

"Yes, Arnold." Holly's face appeared on the small screen of their comm.

"What's this file here?"

"What file, Arnold?"

"'The Rimmer Experience' it's called. What is that? And why is it named after me?"

"Oh, that one."

"Yes, that one." Rimmer was getting slightly impatient now. "What is it?"

"Well, it's an experience, right? About you."

"Stop your nonsensical blabbering and show me the file, Holly."

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Arnold."

"Show me the file, Holly." Rimmer's voice was stern now.

"Alright, Arnold. But you won't like it."

"Show it to me."

XXX

Two minutes later Rimmer was staring open-mouthed and frankly disgusted at the computer screen. Why would anyone put together something like this? He was made to look absolutely ridiculous and clearly unrealistically pompus and vain.

"Holly, what is this?" He thought he might already know the answer, but still hoped for a perfectly reasonable explanation that would make him feel better.

"It's a joyride. Well, not for you it isn't, I suppose. It depicts scenes from your life onboard Red Dwarf."

"But … but that's ridiculous. I never said any of that stuff." Rimmer had jumped up and was gesturing with both hands at the screen, which had frozen on the last image of the file. Not a flattering one.

"Actually you did, Arnold." Holly's voice was slightly bored as always, although he was enjoying himself immensely.

"What? When?" He crossed his arms in front of his chest and screwed his face up, as if trying to remember something particularly unpleasant.

"In your log."

"Oh, that one." Rimmer knew that in his personal log he sometimes tended to embellish his role aboard the ship and in the Space Corps. But that was just a precaution, intended for anyone who read his log after his death and would then think of him as a brave and noble man, instead of the twonk who repaired the chicken soup machines.

"Made pretty interesting reading, it did." Holly's voice was slightly cheeky now.

"This is Lister's work, isn't it?" Rimmer started pacing the room, tapping his forefinger against his lips. "Yes, it reeks of him. Snooping through my private files, making fun of me for all the others to watch. Typical"

"Actually it was K…" Holly stopped himself there. It was alright being a smartarse most of the time, but when it came to the boys he was still loyal. Well, to most of them, anyway.

"Cat? No, he doesn't have the brains to put together something like this. It was Kryten wasn't it? Yes, I can see it now. He never wanted to obey an of my orders, always trying to outdo me, to undermine my position on board. And as soon as I'm gone, he goes through my private possessions and tries to destroy me entirely." Rimmer stopped pacing, switched Holly off, pocketed the comm and marched out of the room. He'd give Kryten a good talking to.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Rimmer made his way down to Kryten's quarters. He found the mechanoid watching his favourite soap opera.

"Kryten, could I have a word?" Sensing that something serious was amiss, Kryten switched the TV off.

"Yes, of course Mr. Rimmer. What can I help you with?"

"I just ran through a couple of files on the main computer and came across something called 'The Rimmer Experience'. Does that ring a bell?" Rimmer crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively.

"Oh, Mr. Rimmer, sir," Kryten's eyes widened with horror, "I … I don't know what to say." Although Kryten had long ago broken his programming and had over the years acquired independent thought, his circuits would still melt at the idea of betraying Mr. Lister's trust. And now he felt he was in acute danger of that happening.

"Well, maybe you could explain to me, why of all things you created a joyride to mock me. To make me look vain, petty and mean. Did you enjoy ridiculing me in front of the others or did you just idly watch it for your own entertainment?"

"Neither, sir, I promise, it was a necessary measure taken only because an emergency situation had arisen, which needed to be treated urgently."

"What emergency? An emergency which prompted turning me into a laughing stock? What kind of an emergency is that? Do tell."

"I … I can't tell you that, sir." Kryten's voice was meek and he kept flicking his eyes from side to side as if trying to find an escape route from this conversation.

"Kryten, maybe I'm not making myself quite clear. You will tell me, because otherwise I will dismantle you and grind your parts through the garbage press one by one."

Kryten started whining.

"Sir, please, I can't tell you, I'd rather die."

"You'd rather die?" Rimmer's voice went up two octaves. This statement, of course, made him even more curious as to why this file had been created.

"Kryten, I will plug the machine you polish the floors with into your groinal socket and weld it shut. You're going to be polishing floors wherever you go from now on."

"Oh, sir, really. You wouldn't want to know."

"I DO want to know, that's why I'm asking, you walking PEZ dispenser."

"It was … it was because of the dream."

"Dream? What dream."

"Well, you see, Mr. Lister had had this dream and afterwards we all tried to remind him of your small-minded pettiness and all your annoying little habits and your general smug-gitness."

"What? Why?" Rimmer was staring at Kryten, slightly flummoxed.

"To make him hate you again, sir." Kryten wasn't at all happy with the way this conversation was going and squirmed slightly in his chair.

"To make him hate me again? What kind of a dream was that, then?" And the moment Rimmer voiced this question, he wasn't entirely sure that he was prepared to hear the answer to it. But he was already in full flow and pushed aside any concerns he might have had.

"Sir, really. I can't tell you." Kryten's voice was squeaky.

"Kryten, I'm going to get the welding torch."

"He dreamt … he dreamt that you'd come back from being Ace because you'd been missing him and then … and then …"

"Then what, Kryten?"

"You kissed."

Kryten looked down at the floor, fiddling about with his hands. Rimmer stood with his mouth open, staring at a spot just above Kryten's head. Neither uttered a word. After what felt like an hour, Kryten dared to look up. Rimmer was frozen to the spot, his lips slightly open and his eyes widened with shock.

"Sir?"

Without looking at Kryten, Rimmer turned on his heels and left.

XXX

'He dreamt what?' Rimmer was pacing around in one of the smaller loading bays, trying on the one hand to hide from the others and on the other to get to grips with what he'd just heard Kryten say.

'What?'

He'd been doing this for about half an hour and still hadn't gotten any further than repeating this single question in his head over and over.

'He did what?'

Lister - Dave Lister – had dreamt about him. And what's more, he had dreamt about kissing him? What did that mean? Rimmer sat down on one of the boxes that filled the bay, probably containing tins of mushy peas or mockturtle soup. He couldn't be bothered to check the label.

Lister had missed him. Him, Arnold Rimmer. And not just that. He had missed him so much that he had dreamt about him. And on top of that, he hadn't just dreamt that he, Rimmer, would return to them, but that they would kiss?

His head was spinning.

'Okay, I need to focus.' He told himself.

'A: Lister hates me. B: I hate him. Okay, well maybe I don't exactly hate him, but he's an annoying slob, who gets up my nose at every possible opportunity. He deliberately annoys me whenever he can. He insults me, he … he makes fun of me, has no respect for me at all. Then why would he dream about kissing me? A freak occurrence? A joke gone bad that even Kryten had fallen for? Or, the universe forbid, does he unconsciously have feelings for me? Could that be?'

Rimmer clapped his hands over his face and scrunched up his skin. This was getting ridiculous. Lister would never have feelings for him, conscious or otherwise, no matter how much he …

"NO!" Rimmer shouted this last word out loud. He would not give into this. This nonsense. This ridiculous thinking. He didn't want Lister to have feelings for him. He didn't.

He grabbed at his hair and pulled his head down towards the ground, bending over almost double. Lister didn't have feelings for him. Full stop. He didn't have feelings for Lister. Full stop. He was a ladies man. Always had been. Not that he had ever really gotten on with members of the opposite sex. Or gotten off, for that matter. Rimmer shook his head. His first french kiss had come from his uncle Frank, who had mistaken him for his mother and had accidentally crept into his bedroom at night instead of hers. And if he had known it was Frank, he wouldn't have enjoyed that kiss one bit. And his uncle had not made that mistake on purpose, surely. Although he had kept looking at him funny for the rest of their stay.

But that had been a freak incident. Arnold Rimmer was definitely one for the ladies. After all he had given it to Yvonne McGruder, female boxing champion aboard Red Dwarf. She had looked pretty impressive without her clothes on, all trim and muscly. No real breasts to speak of, but that was certainly due to all the training. She had been a woman - of sorts. And then …

Rimmer sat back down on the crate. And then … nothing. Women wouldn't come near him with a bargepole.

And Lister? They'd been sharing their quarters ever since they were assigned to the Dwarf. And from what he'd heard about the time they'd spent aboard the mining ship before the resurrection, they had never truly tried to change that. And now … after serving their prison sentence and sharing a cell, they were back in double quarters, even though each could have applied for a different roommate. But they had gotten so used to each other, why bother?

Rimmer gave a small hoarse laugh. He had gotten used to Dave Lister, the most disgusting slob in the universe.

But this Lister was also the only human being he knew, who didn't cringe at the sight of him. Who didn't avoid his company or told him to piss off. And Lister had actually been the one to encourage their friendship ever since Red Dwarf was rebuilt and he had been resurrected. Was that because he was secretly in love with him? That thought sounded absolutely ridiculous in Rimmer's head. And it would have sounded just as ridiculous, if he had said it out loud. What he really needed to do now, was to forget about this entire incident, get back to their quarters and pretend nothing had happened. And then, over the course of the coming days, he could try and watch Lister's behaviour towards him and maybe find out on the sly, whether his friend had any feelings for him.

He got up from the crate and purposefully strode out the cargo bay and back to the habitation decks, completely oblivious to the fact that he had not assertained for himself what his feelings towards Lister were. With a new spring in his step, he walked down the corridors and rode in the lift up to their quarters, wearing a huge smile and thereby irritating everyone he met on the way.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Ah, Lister." Rimmer entered their quarters at a quick pace. "What's up for tonight? A game of chess? An exchange of wits pouring over the scrabble board?"

"I'm goin' down the recreation room with me mates." Lister swilled down the last of his grilled cheese toast with a swig of lager, got up and walked out. Rimmer was left standing with his hands clasped before him, ready for action, but with a blank look on his face. This hadn't gone according to plan.

Lister's head came back round the corner of their quarters.

"D'you wanna come?" Rimmer turned to look at him and simply shook his head.

"Didn't think so." And with that Lister disappeared.

Hours later Rimmer was lying in bed looking at the clock. He had already checked the time five minutes ago, but here he was, checking it again. Quarter past two. It was already a quarter past two and Lister still had not returned. What could they possibly be doing all this time?

He himself had always been completely out of sorts with social events. They puzzled him to no end. Usually, you would meet up in a place, where the lights were hardly bright enough to see where you were setting your feet. And the music was so loud, you had to scream to make yourself heard. And even when you screamed, people wouldn't understand you, because most of them were so drunk, they didn't even remember their own names, never mind their mother tongue. So, why would anyone want to go there in the first place, when they could just as well stay at home with a good book?

Then again, maybe Lister had met a woman and was now spending the night with her. This thought made his insides clench. Lister was reasonably good-looking and he seemed to be getting on well with women in general. There was the odd chance of one being stupid enough to fall for his ridiculous boasting and that thing he sometimes did with his eyes, were he would look not at you, but into you. Rimmer ground his teeth together. Now that he thought about it, he remembered that Lister had sometimes looked into him that way. Over the past year, Lister had seemed to be able to look into him a lot. Frequently, when they talked, Lister had picked up easily on hidden meanings in his sentences and on the insecurities that lay behind his snide remarks and had called him up on it. But surely that was because they knew each other so well. He himself had no family left, and even if he'd had, he'd probably wish for them to be dead, and Lister was in fact the only person he could stand being around. That he even wanted to be around. Slowly the thought was dawning on him, that maybe his idea of falling in love being like a scene from the movies, complete with crescendoing music and soft lighting wasn't what happened in real life. Maybe he had already fallen in love and hadn't even noticed.

XXX

Rimmer woke up the next morning feeling knackered and then remembered he'd been lying awake until late, because he'd been thinking about Lister. Then he must have fallen asleep, because he hadn't heard his roommate return. He pushed himself up slowly and sat on the rim of his bunk, running his hands across his face, trying to force himself awake. He cocked his head listening for any kind of movement or noise from above, but there was none. Rimmer got up and stretched, throwing a quick glance at the top bunk, trying to make it look inconspicuous. But the bed was empty.

After he had taken a shower and sat himself down for breakfast Lister strolled in, still wearing the same clothes he'd left in yesterday evening.

"Hey-hey, mornin' Rimmer. Smells good!" He rubbed his hands "I'm starvin'. Whatcha havin'?"

"Scrambled eggs, buttered toast." Rimmer said tersely.

"Any chance you got some left?" Lister squinted over at the small kitchen unit.

"Help yourself." Rimmer got up, put his plate in the sink and started getting ready for work, while Lister shovelled the remaining eggs onto his plate, grabbed a glass of orange juice, stuffed a piece of toast in his mouth and juggled the lot over to the table.

"What's up at work today?" Lister mumbled through the toast and eggs.

"I didn't think you'd be very interested." Rimmer was still pretending to rummage through his bag, trying to look as if he was searching for his notebook.

"I am, though. Very interested." Lister's voice was unusually cheerful. He emphasised the word 'very' and Rimmer suspected he was making fun of him again. He looked over at his bunkmate and caught the full blast of Lister's smile. Rimmer turned back quickly and steeled himself.

"We will be down on Level 185 today, checking up on a melted circuitboard in the leisure centre facilities. Apparently the sauna overheated yesterday and practically welded the doors shut." He didn't dare to look back at Lister, but continued sorting through his bag. They had been promoted from servicing the food dispensing machines, to servicing several other electrical appliances on board as well. Which wasn't exactly the career break Rimmer had been hoping for.

"Cool." He heard the voice from behind him. "Or rather – hot!" This time Rimmer heard the smile rather than saw it. He gritted his teeth and turned around.

"Are you ready then or shall I start without you?"

"I'm ready." The smile got even broader at this. This smile to Rimmer meant only one thing. Lister had scored last night. He had most likely spent the night in some trollop's bed and was now buzzing with serotonin. His mood got into the elevator and pressed the button for the underground car park.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

They worked in silence for a while. Whenever Lister tried to start a conversation Rimmer's answer were so terse, that no true dialogue could develop. But Lister didn't notice, or didn't want to notice, Rimmer's unwillingness to talk to him and kept prattling on about this and that.

"So, Selby, Chen, Petersen and I were sittin' down at the bar and who comes in the door?" Here Lister left a short pause to give Rimmer at least a chance to chip in. But when nothing came he continued.

"Kryten!" Lister laughed. Rimmer almost dropped his pen. "Seriously, you've never seen someone stand out in a crowd like that. Well, maybe except youself. So, he waddled straight through the people on the dancefloor and up to us. And you know what he wanted?"

Rimmer didn't dare to look up or turn around. He felt he must have blushed fuchsia. Kryten hadn't told Lister about yesterday, had he? Knowing Kryten, he probably had. That idiot. What good would that do?

When Rimmer didn't react, Lister supplied the answer himself.

"He wanted to party!" Lister giggled. "He said, and I'm quotin' here, he had heard about this thing called disco and wanted to see how it worked. We-ell, we showed him alright. I think he still hasn't recovered, to be honest." Lister checked if Rimmer was still listening. He knew Rimmer was only pretending to be busy with the circuit boards, but hoped that his story had gone down well.

They had indeed run into Kryten last night. But instead of wanting to party, Kryten had told Lister something rather disturbing. Rimmer had found the file containing the Rimmer Experience on the computer feed and had pratically blackmailed Kryten into telling him the entire story about how this file came to be created. At first Lister had been furious. Furious with Rimmer for blackmailing Kryten into telling him about the dream and furious at Kryten for not telling Rimmer to smeg off. And then he'd been scared. Scared of Rimmer breaking off their friendship altogether. He had spent the rest of the night at Cat's and had had plenty of time to think up a battleplan. As long as Rimmer didn't know that he knew that Rimmer had found out about the dream, nothing would happen. He would try to gauge his friend's behaviour over the coming days and then decide what his next step was going to be. If Rimmer showed any signs of avoiding him, he'd simply withdraw for a while, until the whole thing had blown over. If, on the other hand, Rimmer showed any signs whatsoever of being interested in him, he'd push his luck.

So far, Rimmer had been extremely short with him and had hardly even looked him in the eyes. This could mean – well, it could mean either one of the two, both or nothing. Sometimes Rimmer was harder to read than a chinese cook book.

XXX

After Kryten had told him about the conversation with Rimmer, Lister had been shocked. He had let his friends go on down to the recreation room alone and had found a quiet place to think. So, Rimmer knew about the dream. What were the options? One, Rimmer might be disgusted by the mere thought of it and move out. That would mean that he, Lister, would have to use every charm in the book to try and make him stay. Two, he might be totally cool about the whole thing and dismiss it as a freak occurrence. And then a flock of pigs would spread their wings and fly south for the winter. Three, he might be intrigued and maybe - maybe consider giving it a go. This sounded just as unlikely to Lister as option number two.

Then again there had been signs. Small, almost untraceable signs that you only noticed when you were looking for them. An unguarded glance from Rimmer when he'd gotten dressed, a blush when he'd told stories about some of his sexual encounters back on earth or a gritting of teeth whenever he'd reminisced about Ace. Maybe they'd meant something, maybe not. But since neither of them had even considered moving in with someone else after they'd served their prison sentence, he was pretty sure Rimmer at least didn't abhor his company. That wasn't exactly much to go on, but judging from the nothing he'd started with, it was positively promising.

He remembered that just after he'd woken up from the dream, his thoughts had been entirely confused. What had that been about? Did he really want to kiss Rimmer? Did he maybe truly fancy him? Or was it just the garbled unconscious ramblings of a sleeping mind? Kryten had done his best to make Rimmer seem an utter smeghead to him and for a while he'd been mollified. But then the nagging thoughts returned. Okay, Rimmer had his bad sides, but he also had some good ones, which, of course, Kryten had deliberately left unmentioned. And his bad sides had been overemphasised. And even those were mainly rooted in his utter insecurity and his mangled upbringing. So looking at Rimmer from a realistic perspective, he wasn't completely worthless. Sometimes he was even endearing. For months Lister had struggled with the aftermath of the dream and with his own feelings for Rimmer, until grudgingly he had to admit that he was probably suffering from a bad case of being-insanely-in-love-with-utter-git. And then, when he was back on the rebuilt Red Dwarf and Rimmer had been standing before him, alive and well, his heart had done a leap. He had never in his life considered having to deal with a situation like this. The thought had never even occurred to him. He'd never been interested in any man in a romantic way. So why this smeghead? Life could be an evil foul-smelling nasty piece of rotten fish sometimes.

XXX

And now they were back at work and Rimmer was being extremely unwelcoming and all Lister wanted, was to take that man into his arms and tell him how he felt. How to bridge that chasm, Albert Einstein?

"Hello-o? I'd like to speak to Mr. Lister? Is he around?" Lister woke from his reverie and tried to focus on the object waving around in front of his face, which turned out to be Rimmer's hand. He slapped it aside.

"Very funny, ha-ha." After that he tried to focus his mind back on the job. Everything else would have to wait until later.

Over lunch in the canteen, Rimmer was hardly able to look at his roommate, afraid that his eyes would reveal his feelings. They had been working down in the leisure rooms for three and a half hours now and Rimmer truly couldn't stand any more. With Lister so close by and yet unreachable, he was swiftly coming up to breaking point. If this went on any longer, he'd have to do something. Only he had no clue as to what that something should be. His eyes watched Lister's fork disappearing into his mouth again and again. That man could eat for England. Now the fork was resting on Lister's plate, even though the food wasn't finished yet. Rimmer's eyes went up to Lister's face to see what was wrong. Their eyes met and Rimmer blushed furiously. He tried to tug his gaze away but found that he couldn't. Then again, Lister didn't break the connection either. He didn't throw an insult at him, or a snide remark, not even a smirk. They just sat there and read each other like this morning's papers. Except that the headline filled an entire page and the rest of the articles were quite boring. Finally, Rimmer simply closed his lids to break the spell and then lowered his head. With the monumental revelation he had just partaken in, he wasn't too keen on attracting any attention from the other crew members around them. They finished their meal, as they had begun, in silence.

XXX

After getting up from lunch, they didn't return to the leisure rooms. Without talking about it, they both knew their way would take them back up to their quarters, even if that meant scraping yet another disciplinary entry in their personnel file. But that didn't matter right now. When the door shut behind them, though, neither was quite sure how to go on. Then Lister decided that the easiest way was usually best and walked up to Rimmer, took his face in his hands and kissed him gently on the lips. Again Rimmer blushed slightly, but this time not with embarassment but with longing.

"I know that Kryten told you about the dream." Lister decided it was best to get the truth out of the way first and not having to bother about it later. Rimmer nodded.

"That dream really puzzled me for a while, but in the end I guess I knew what it meant straightaway, I just didn't wanna admit it." Lister was looking at Rimmer's eyes, wanting him to understand without him having to go on. Rimmer nodded again, but found himself unable to speak. Lister leaned in for another kiss. This time Rimmer's hands went up to his face and cupped his cheeks. Lister slung his arms around his friend's waist and pressed himself up to his body. When their mouths opened and their tongues touched, Lister felt himself go up in flames.

This was even better than the dream, better than he had ever imagined it to be. Rimmer was truly, physically, in his arms. He could feel the heat rising off him and the pressure of his hands on his back. His own hands were now busy tugging Rimmer's shirt out of his trousers and trying to get to the beautiful warm skin underneath. Upon contact, Rimmer moaned into his mouth and pressed him even closer. How could they not have done this before? Why did they have to waste so much time? But none of this mattered now, as they tumbled onto the mattress of Rimmer's bunk and held each other close. The ship and crew around them faded into non-existence, as years of longing and repressed feelings washed to the surface.


End file.
